Practicing Kindness When You're Upset With Your Partner
Alex Gabba
Relationships aren't always smooth sailing. There are times when we feel hurt, angry, or frustrated by our partner’s actions or words. However, how we choose to respond in these moments can significantly impact the quality and longevity of our relationship. Practicing kindness, even when we’re upset, can help resolve conflicts, strengthen our bond, and create a positive and supportive environment. Here are some practical tips to help you practice kindness when you're upset with your partner.
Pause and Breathe
Before reacting, take a moment to calm yourself. When we’re upset, our initial reactions can be impulsive and harmful. “A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret.” Breathe deeply, count to ten, or engage in a calming activity. This simple act can prevent you from saying or doing something you might regret. It helps lower stress levels and allows you to regulate your emotions more effectively.
Identify Your Feelings and Needs
Understanding what you’re feeling and why is crucial. Are you angry, sad, hurt, or disappointed? What exactly triggered this emotion? Identifying your needs and feelings will help you communicate them more effectively to your partner. Avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions about your partner's intentions. Instead, be clear and honest about your emotions. “The first step toward change is awareness.” - Nathaniel Branden.
Use "I" Statements
When expressing your feelings to your partner, avoid blaming or criticizing them. Instead, use "I" statements to convey your emotions and needs. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," try, "I feel ignored when you don't pay attention to what I’m saying." This approach helps your partner understand your perspective without feeling attacked, fostering a more constructive conversation. “I” statements can transform confrontations into conversations.
Listen Actively
When your partner responds, give them your full attention. Don’t interrupt, judge, or dismiss their feelings. “Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.” - J. Isham. Try to understand their feelings and needs as well. Active listening involves asking questions, paraphrasing, or summarizing what they’ve said to show that you care. This practice can help you empathize with your partner and see things from their point of view, avoiding misunderstandings and miscommunications.
Seek Solutions Together
Once you and your partner have shared your feelings and needs, work together to find a resolution. Look for solutions that are mutually beneficial and acceptable. Be willing to compromise and cooperate, remembering that you’re on the same team. “Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is success.” - Henry Ford. Focus on the problem, not the person, and aim to create a win-win situation that strengthens your relationship.
Express Appreciation
End your conversation by expressing gratitude. Thank your partner for listening and for their willingness to work things out. Tell them what you love and value about them. “Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.” - Margaret Cousins. This positive reinforcement helps to reinforce your connection and reminds both of you of the good aspects of your relationship, rather than dwelling on the negative.
Additional Tips for Practicing Kindness
- Practice Empathy: Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. How would you feel if you were in their position?
- Be Mindful of Your Tone: Sometimes, it’s not what we say, but how we say it. A gentle tone can make a big difference.
- Take Breaks if Needed: If the conversation gets too heated, it’s okay to take a break and return to it when both parties are calmer.
- Use Physical Touch: A gentle touch, a hug, or holding hands can sometimes communicate more than words.
- Seek Professional Help: If conflicts are recurring and hard to resolve, consider seeking help from a therapist.
Practicing kindness when you're upset with your partner may not always be easy, but it’s definitely worth the effort. By being kind, you can avoid unnecessary conflicts, build trust and respect, and nurture a healthy and happy relationship. “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” - Mark Twain. Remember, kindness in tough moments can transform your relationship, fostering a deeper and more resilient bond.
